PEDAL FASTER

Really?  Pedal faster?!  How could this dumb elliptical ask me to pedal faster?  Didn't it understand the anger and sadness that was unexpectedly rising up inside of me?  In an instant every emotion and thought came hurdling at me.  The longer I stared through tears at those red digital letters scrolling across the screen, the more the anger dissolved into complete sadness.  Within a minute I went from "fine," to shocked, to angry, to sad. 

Pedal Faster.

Just then I realized that I was in public and about to burst into tears.  Not the dainty tears that Lexi Grey cries - a REAL cry.  A cry I would be tired after... One where I couldn't catch my breath.  So, I calmly told my husband, Matt (who was on a treadmill near me), that I was going to go get some air.

As soon as I stepped into the parking lot, I released all my sadness onto the pavement and eventually made it to my car.  There, I called my best friend, Megan.  She told me to quit feeling sorry for myself - to go home, cry out loud into my pillow and be done with it.  Move on.

Move on from what, you ask? 

Because my periods were so freakishly abnormal, I was on the pill from the age of 16 to the age of 29.  There were brief segments of time in that 13 year range that I stopped taking it, and never had a normal cycle without it.  I always knew that the absence of my periods would be cause for concern when I finally wanted to start trying for a family, but always figured doctors would have a full-proof solution by the time I wanted a baby.  I mean, c'mon this is 2010, right?  Plus, people would always chalk my lack of periods up to being "too skinny" (which I wasn't), and/or being a runner.

I took my last birth control pill in April 2009 and from that day until August 2010 I only had 6 periods, so I went back to the doctor.  It was time for an answer to my 16 years of wondering what was different about me.  And finally, an answer - PCOS.  It was a relief to finally have an answer and an action plan, but also hard to swallow.  There is something wrong with me and there's a name for it - scary.

My doctor started me on 50mg of clomid the 1st month.  I didn't ovulate. 

She prescribed 100mg the 2nd month, and I ovulated!!!!  I was upset that I wasn't pregnant, but thrilled that the clomid was doing the trick.  So, the 3rd month she increased my dose to 150mg to make sure I ovulated "enough" to get pregnant.  To my surprise, I didn't ovulate.

Last Friday I had an appointment and I had so many questions... Unfortunately, she didn't have many answers.  She explained that every month I take clomid, my chances of becoming pregnant decrease, and the month I actaully ovulated was more than likely one of my random natural ovulations (not due to the clomid).  I am likely resistant to the drug.  Awesome.

From there, I went to the gym with Matt - thus the elliptical/parking lot breakdown.

So what now?  The action plan:  Progesterone to start my period, then the highest dose of clomid she is able to prescribe - 250mg.  I also started a low carb diet that includes a lot of leafy greens, whole wheat, fruits, and veggies.  A PCOS diet, if you will.  I'm supposed to be at the opposite end of stressed-out as possible, so I quit my job.  I start waitressing (again) on the 14th.

So that's that.  We're trying to have a baby and are having a heck of a time getting there - ugh!  I'm posting this in hopes that someone else out there is in the same boat as me. Seems as though everyone in my circle of friends can look at their husbands and *poof* they're preggo. 

Hope everyone had a great weekend!
Until next time...